Here he is: The little red monster that has invaded my home and set up shop in the deep recesses of my subconscious. I sing his songs while sleeping, taking a shower, making dinner. He is on my television. On my floor in the form of a plush animal. He was not willingly let into the home, but the sister-in-law bought this for Adriana a few months ago and now I can't even go to the grocery store without my little one pointing at every Elmo she sees. Do you know how many products this little bastard has his face plastered on? At least two to three products in every aisle. Next time you go, check it out, you will be pleasantly surprised.

So anyway, as you all may very well know, I am a die-hard Sesame Street fan. Being an only child, I learned not only how to share and play nice from this show, I also learned that one must say "Ah-ah-aahhhh" whenever counting anything. I also learned that Jim Hensen's son doesn't quite have the magic that senior did. He's good, don't get me wrong...just not AS good. Because of my adoration of most things Sesame, I have been acquiring quite a nice-sized collection of dvd videos via Amazon, and I like popping in one of these to sit and watch with the baby unit. We point and quasi-count together and I love being able to see animations and hear songs I haven't seen in like 20+ years....

Then I made the mistake of buying an Elmo video and tossing it on, thinking that my daughter would have the same semi-indifferance to it as she did the others. Holy Christ, it was like I gave her the first hit of crack off the pipe.  She would sit and watch Elmo for infinity if I let her. Look at the picture to the left...do you see it? Do you see the lust in her eyes for the little red monster? She is holding Elmo while watching Elmo. If you look at her mouth, she is in the middle of saying Elmo too. I could be having a brain aneurism on the floor next to her and she would just push me to the side because I fell on the spot that is prime for Elmo-watching. I am balls-deep in Elmo and I am just lucky that the little bastard doesn't have teeth. I need some sort of Elmo-methadone for my child. Someone, anyone, please help.

Its like I woke up from a work-induced, late-night funk and came back to reality. Six days and no post. I have all of these things I want to put from fingertips to keyboard, but its all this muddled-jumble of diapers and computer screens. But earlier today, I had salvation. Salvation in the form of high-definition and cookies-n-cream ice cream. I have been reading for the past week or so on the interwebs that Toshiba is planning on dropping the price of their HD-DVD players to $99. That's right. NINETY-NINE DOLLARS.

I've also been reading that Walmarts around the country will have indefinite supplies of these items, as well as Best Buy. So, 11 days after the un-advertised "sale" went on, I decided to trek out, daughter in tow, to the local outlets to test my luck. (BTW, I had also been reading that people are close to throwing punches at Walmart because of the scarcity of these discontinued items. Another good reason to wait. I don't need my daughter witnessing her dad freak out and kick an old man in the stomach because he tried to snatch the last hd-dvd player. But I digress.) Walmart is sold-out. So is Best-Buy. And Kmart. And Target. I had one last hope, a local place called Baillos (pronounced "Buy-yos"), a local electronics/ appliances store here in New Mexico. Thankfully, all of these places are within 2 square miles of each other, so it only took an hour to go to all these places.

I enter Baillos and see from across the store, on a table, in a box, a Toshiba HD-A2 HD-DVD player. Holy Christ. I look around to make sure no one else is looking at it. I needed to be sure that no geriatrics were eyeing me from the shadows. With Adriana in arms, I casually sprint to the box and open it up. The box was only closed half-way. There is a player inside. With a manual. And cords. And a remote. The salesman sees me looking at it and says "I was boxing that up for a guy that was supposed to come back a while ago, but hasn't shown up."

My response:  "I'll buy it right now, with cash."

His response: "You got it. $80 plus tax. This was a display model, so its kinda dusty, but we have so many players and it was barely even turned on."

I almost shit myself then and there. Luckily, I keep wipes in the car for these electronics-induced bowel movements. 80 DOLLARS. He sits me down at his desk and begins to ring me up.

"You have a beautiful daughter." he says.

"Thanks, we're gonna go play outside after this as a reward for being so good for the past hour and a half while I drove around town." I respond.

"I hear ya man. I am always trying to get too many things done on my days off. Are you a veteran?" the salesmen inquires.

I, for the first time in a long time, am speechless. I am dumbfounded. Why do I have to be "off work" to be out with my daughter in the middle of the day? I'm a stay-at-home-dad! This IS my job man! And don't get me started on the whole "army of one" issue. Damn!

"I'm a stay-at-home dad. I hang out with this one in the day and work at night or early in the morning. I'm no veteran." I respond.

"Oh....well...that's cool. I wish I could stay at home all day and hang out with my kids." Now I know he probably meant it like he wished he could, but it came out like he thought it wasn't hard. SAHD's, and mom's for that matter, have a very difficult job. Not only are we caring for small, accident prone little people, we make dinner, do laundry, go to the park, read, take naps (wait...leave out that last part ;o) Then a lot of us work into the wee hours of the morning.

I kept my mouth closed for the remainder of the sale, another first. I came back home and had a wonderful time pushing my daughter around our living room in an empty box. Then we played with rocks outside. So for any of you who think that SAHD's don't have a real job, that's okay. You're just jealous anyway. 

My sister-in-law Angie bestowed upon Lori and I what I believe to be the devil re-incarnate. As a new auntie, Lori would give Angie's two kids the loudest, most abnoxious gifts made my man. Now its payback for sis. Unfortunately, I have to be subjected to this hell as well. Check out the most annoying toy currently in Adriana's toy collection. You will be amazed. Horrified and amazed. Devil Kitty in the background just got knocked down a peg.

Anyway, what happened to all of the characters that the great Jim Hensen created? It seems as though that television shows like Sesame Street have gone by the way-side and been replaced by retarded shit like Blues Clues and Elmo stuff. I believe Elmo was created after Jim Hensen's death because he would NEVER have created that monstrosity of a puppet. Back in the day, Sesame Street characters were excellent mediums for discussing pertinent moral and ethical issues, as well as talking about the importance the number three, AH AH AH!. (I will always love The Count. He was and always will be my favorite. Besides the Cookie Monster. Cookies were his crack and they were mine too when I was 6.) Now it seems that the almighty dollar has yet again seized the creative minds of hard-working artist and the sell-out has begun. That high-pitched nail-on-chalkboard voice of Elmo drives me up the fuckin' wall. But I know that it must have some redeeming qualities because the whole Elmo craze has taken off like a drunken rocket launched by NASA. Remember the Talking Elmo that parents were killing for a few years ago around Christmas? Damn, I think I'm better off getting my daughter a book to read. That Elmo might end up on Ebay in a couple of weeks so keep your eyes glued to that site if you like self-torture. Beware, the song it sings gets in your head and eats your brains.

Yesterday I went to Target. I was initially there looking for a baby shower gift for my buddy Demetrio's lady, Christie. BTW, it seems that since I have had a baby I've been to like half a dozen baby showers in the past year.  Always with the "ooohhh, how cute!" or "ahhhh, that's adorable!", but I digress. Anyway, so I'm walking through the toy aisle holding Adriana and I come across one of those Furrrreal Kittens. The kind that purr and knead their little paws and meow. Its covered in camel hair or some synthetic hair product and feels like a cat that hasn't been brushed in a couple of months., but its cute. Adriana flips when she sees this thing because a friend of ours has one of these kittens too and she absolutely loved it. Of course I buy it for her instead of buying a baby shower gift. We get home and I'm just as excited to see how Adriana is going to react and tear away the wrapping like it was Christmas morning. The toy has this sensor in its back that lets you "pet" it and this sensor in its mouth that lets you "feed" it, using the supplied baby bottle. I cut the thing on it starts to purr and meow and Adriana is in heaven, giggling and rubbing its head and trying to feed it. Its a fun toy for a kid...

Then I looked it in the eye. I swear I felt the cold hand of death reach out and pat me on the shoulder. This cat has these emerald green eyes that don't blink (eventhough they gave the toy eyelids...wierd.) It was like the way Chucky stares when he's just pretending to be a Good-Guy-Doll, and not a deranged lunatic killer. Well needless to say I am now afraid of my 13 month year old daughter's toy and I have video to show the creepiness. Let me know if you have seen these things or if they scare the shit outta you too.